What Your In-Laws Are Really Thinking
It’s probably a very good thing that you can’t read your in-laws mind. Here’s what his parents and siblings think about your wedding.
by Jennifer Benjamin
When it comes to a majority of weddings, the groom’s family is probably on the sidelines –waiting for direction, afraid to weigh in on the details. Yet, they are more than second-string players, and although they may keep their mouths shut, chances are they do have a few things to say about what’s going on. So we polled the parents and siblings of recent grooms and asked them to share what bugged them about the bride during the wedding planning. The truth may hurt, but if you want to start off on the right foot with your new family, keep reading.
Ask Our Opinion… Even if You Don’t Take It
It’s our son’s big day too, and we’d like to be involved in the planning. When you move full speed ahead without any regard for what we think, it makes us feel left out, as though we don’t matter as much as your family. Or, that you just really don’t want our opinion. When you can, try to remember to include us in some of the decision making, even if it’s just to ask if we think there needs to be a salad course or a flower arrangement in the ladies’ room.
Talk to Us About the Costs Beforehand
In all the excitement of your engagement, we probably promised a lot of things, agreeing to work out the details later. Rehearsal dinner? Suuuure. Flowers for the bridal party? You got it. Even so, don’t just spring a bill on us two weeks before the event. Although we may be wedding regulars, we don’t necessarily know what things cost. Before booking anything, let us know what the expenses will be so we can plan accordingly, or explain why we won’t be spending the dough.
Don’t Rain On Our Parade
We’ve all heard the horror stories of bridezillas who believe that life begins and ends on their wedding day –and we’re so relieved that you’re not one of those. That being said, acting like your wedding is “so not a big deal” is kind of a buzzkill for us. Sure, you might be a laid-back bride, and that’s refreshing, but we want to talk about the wedding, get psyched up for it and, believe it or not, fawn over you. So rather than roll your eyes, indulge us in our excitement.
Give Us A Role – Any Role
It’s tricky being a sister of the groom–our brother may feel funny about making us groomswomen, and being bridesmaids might be a little too close for comfort when you get prewedding jitters. But hoping that we blend into the background isn’t going to work either. We’re not just any other guests, so recognise that by having us hand out programs or do a reading at the ceremony–anything! After all, remember that we’re going to be sisters for better or worse!
Back Off the Bucks Party
Steakhouses, some scotch, a strip club–if it’s what our brother requested, then it’s what we’d like him to get. Please don’t call us to complain about what we may or may not be doing on his big night out. Not only does it ruin our good time and good intentions, but it also puts us in between you two–a position we don’t want to be in. The wedding is your thing; this is ours. Let us plan the bucks party we know our brother wants. And if you do have concerns, then take them up with him.
Include Us In the Girly Stuff
Brides have showers and dress shopping and hair trials; grooms maybe get fitted for a tux. As a result, we mothers of sons wind up feeling like we’re missing out on all the fun. While we understand that you want to save certain special moments for your mother, sisters and bridesmaids, it would mean the world to us to be included in some girl fun, whether it’s tagging along to do some preliminary registering, being there for a dress fitting, looking at jewellery or helping you pick out the stationery suite.
We Care About the Details
Before you get all caught up in the day-of details, don’t forget that we care about the specifics too. It would be nice if you asked us to help out when it came to seating our tables at the reception (you might not know about behind-the-scenes scandals of our longtime friends), sought out our opinion about which family members we’d like to take pictures with and gave us a choice about who escorts us down the aisle.
Say Thank You
Even if your parents are paying for the whole shebang, there are other ways in which we’re contributing to your wedding, like giving you two love and guidance along the way. You don’t have to toast your “amazing new in-laws,” but a simple “Thank you for everything, but mostly, thank you for your son” will do–it’s making us teary just thinking about it.
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Comments (6)
JCbella
Oh no! While we would all love to have in-laws that we got along well with and wanting to be part of the planning, some of us hit unlucky with in-laws. One hour with mine and i’d want to jump off a cliff. For the sake of getting down the isle, i plan on having as little to do with them as possible. And to be honest, although some would like to be involved, there are plenty of parents out there, my almost in-laws included, that really don’t take much of an interest in their childrens lives. But an interesting insight.
Kthulhu42, NSW
Great insight, truly, but my in-laws live so far away, it’s hard to include them! They are really lovely people though, and I try to fill them in when I call, but I always feel like somehow I’m being boring or going into too much detail. I’m a very panicky bride so I worry about what everyone else thinks.
I really have to disagree on the bucks night though. I love my partners groomsmen but they have some very odd ideas about what my partner likes. They think he should go to a strip club – he doesn’t want to! He’s been feeling worried about their pressure on him when it’s supposed to be his night, and they won’t take no for an answer. So if I have to step in so that he gets the party that he wants, I will. This isn’t about them seeing strippers!
And I think a mature phone call about the night to the person organising it is absolutely fine. Not yelling or anything, but saying “I don’t want him too drunk” if the wedding is the day after or “I don’t feel comfortable with him going into a strip club” should not be frowned upon. If you want to be a family, that means they should respect your boundaries, and you as a person!
almostmrspopovic
i think its probablyt he most difficult part of the whole process. trying to be polite and respectful to your future inlaws whilst still honouring the relationship you have with your own family is hard. there’s never really a perfect balance so just be true to yourselves and what you really want to get out of the process.
NJT778, WA
Tough one but ultimately they’re not your family, they’re your fiances & it’s up to him to include them in the planning. If you get along really well with your in-laws then great but there shouldn’t be any pressure to involve them, especially if you don’t know them. I’ve met my finance’s mother once, his brother once (although we spent more time together) & that’s it. Haven’t even spoken to the rest of his family. They all live too far away! So whilst I’m sure they’re nice enough people I might as well ask a total stranger off the street what their opinion is. Since my family live in another state as well, we’re doing it all on our own, including paying for it, because we want the wedding to be about what WE want – not someone else’s ideas of what they think would look good. And remember…your wedding day is NOT an excuse for the female members of either family to live vicariously. It’s your day, not theirs!
Paige_, NSW
So I showed a picture of this gorgeous floor length chiffon gown with a sweetheart neckline and lace sleeves to my ‘future sister in law’ telling her I want my mother to wear this as it looks so elegant – something Victoria Grayson from Revenge would wear. Her response ‘argh it looks like a whore’s dress’… Definitely not showing her anything again!
J.L.O.
Great advice for ladies that get along with the parents family. My mother -in-law stresses me out way too much to involve her. I’d rather have a memorable and relaxed time planning my wedding than being miserable and stressed just to make her feel involved unfortunately.