Bothered brides

Hi fellow knotties,

Dilema: Actually thought I had this resolved, but feeling a little nervous for the outcome. My FH has been married twice before and has 6 kids. I have been married once before. We are both in our 40’s and after long discussions, have decided on a very small wedding, total of 16 people. It will be black tie, and all the guests are staying the night with us at the venue

No kids invited. The kids range from 23 to 10 years old. The 2nd ex-wife is bi-polar and has caused my FH grief on and off for the last 7 years after divorce. She is mother to the 2 youngest. We haven’t told them as the ex is guaranteed to “dump” the kids etc or possibly make a scene. (she has full custody after having a dummy spit about my FH taking time off to spend 5 days with me, his first time without the kids in 7 years and she then demanded full payment fom Social security..and got it!) Although I have since met the ex, my 1st contact I had with her was via nasty emails which I threatened legal action if she had further correspondence with me.

His eldest has recently become a mother and as we’re marrying in a museum/Georgian House a toddler doesn’t bode well (especially in the trophy room!) She is also still friendly/gossipy with the 2nd ex although she tells us how much she “loathes” her. 

My question is this. When do we tell them? The day before (maybe risky although we’re marrying 150kms away) the day of? or day after? Or week after? What has made it all the more stressful, that as it’s so small I haven’t told most of my friends (who live interstate) and many are “hinting” about when is the marriage and when do they get their invite! 

Would love so feedback, no matter how harsh. It’s just over 3 weeks till the wedding.

Hhmmm…that’s a hard one, I guess you have to think about who will be truly hurt by the announcement after the big day? Is there anyway you can have a low key BBQ or something a few weeks after the big day and invite family & friends (& kids) to that? If they are supportive, hopefully they will understand why you decided to keep the big day low key. Would your FH not want his kids involved anyway?

As far as his ex goes, I’d be more worried about what she’ll tell his kids. Are grandparents involved at all? maybe they can be lined up to help so the kids aren’t dumped on you during you wedding day.

I don’t think there is any way to let close family & friends know without offending them to be honest. (if they are not invited that is). My only advice is to do the post celebration thing, even a gathering at a park or something like a picnic where people bring a plate and say congrats. Good luck with it!

Thanks EstoBride, I like the idea of a BBQ with the kids. Probably need to expand a bit more: The grandparents (my FH’s parents) are coming to the wedding as well as his sister. So that “counts out” the grandparents/family (although what the 2nd ex has said/done to them is nothing short of appaling, so they would be hesistant anyhow!)

His eldest boys all know, but we all live all over the state, getting together would be near impossible. They’re thrilled and understand. We live 260kms from the younger kids and 600kms from the eldest, so may have to do it separately. I know there will be tears with the younger ones, they already refer to me as their “stepmum” although access to them is very restricted.

As for my friends? I moved interstate to be with my FH (yep, we’re an internet success story!) so no BBQ with them anytime soon.!lol Besides, my previous marriage was only 5 years ago and the wedding had 230 guests! Never again! Crazy. So I more or less covered everyone the 1st time Just going to have to be articulate and have a get together when I eventually return for a visit

Thanks again