Planning & etiquette

(Apologies in advance for the length…)

I wasn’t sure where to post this topic, so if I’m in the wrong section please let me know

I’m recently engaged to my FH of 10 years. It’s all been really exciting being able to start planning this wedding we’ve always wanted. FH’s parent’s have just been a dream. I am so lucky. FH and I have been together since high school so I am like their second daughter. They’ve offered to host and pay for part of our engagement party and have been completely upfront about their willingness to contribute financially to the wedding and how much they can contribute. We both really appreciate this.

On the other hand is my side of the family… my parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother raised me and my sister on her own. With a lot of financial help from my amazing grandparents. My dad saw us twice a fortnight, has been there as a dad but financially (despite being able to afford it) only contributed what he had to legally. He is basically quite cheap…to be frank.

I am uncertain how to bring up the topic with him of whether he will contribute and how much. The problem being he has another wife (my evil stepmother who has been on the scene a long time) and two kids – my half siblings who I adore and will be in the bridal party. My mother cannot afford to contribute thousands of dollars, and my grandparents have provided for me more than their fair share over the years. I feel now is the time for my dad to step up and help me out, me being his first born daughter. The other issue is as my dad is an accountant, he knows how much me and my FH earn. We are not rich by any stretch but FH has a great job and we are comfortable financially and will be footing most of the wedding bill ourselves. I am just hoping my dad will assist so we don’t spend our entire savings on this wedding…

How do I go about this? What if he doesn’t want to contribute at all? It is making it quite hard to pick a venue as we don’t know how much we have in our budget to play with.

Any advice would be great!

Hi Melrae,

Great to hear that you are getting in to planning your wedding.

I think that in the end it is no ones responsibility or obligation to pay for your wedding, other than yourself and your fiance (sorry if that sounded hurtful, it isnt meant to!). If others want to assist they will likely tell you up front rather than wait to be asked.

It sounds like even if your Dad decides o contribute it wont be a huge amount, so plan and pay for the wedding you can afford now and if he does contribute you can spend it on fabulous extras.

Maybe choose a venue which can easily include extras at a later date should your budget increase.

Happy planning,

Jojo x

Hi Melrae

Congrats on the engagement!

I personally agree with Jojo (probably because we’re both Jo’s!) There is no obligation for anyone else to pay for your wedding (said with absolutely no malice intended).

My Fiance and I are in a similar situation… He is extremely close to his family, whereas I am only just repairing the relationship with mine. His mum is constantly offering financial help, which I know she wants to, but we don’t want to accept because she has done so much for us already! We have been together a long time also, so I’m pretty much a part of the furniture

On the other hand my family don’t know him nearly as well (which is my fault, not his- I moved out at a very young age) I know if I was to ‘ask’ my parents would most likely provide us with financial support, but I just can’t bring myself to. It’s partly pride, but partly because I don’t feel it should really be their responsibility. They could afford to help, but it’s just not something that I would feel comfortable asking them for.

No matter what you spend on your wedding, it’ll be wonderful.

Have fun with all the planning! My tip would be: Don’t overwhelm yourself too early. When I first got engaged I rushed to book the venue and the photographer but then I was a bit over it for a while

Hi Jojo and Mojito_jo,

Thanks so much for your feedback. I guess you’re both right, at the end of the day the wedding is me and my FH’s responsibility. I think we’ll plan it based on what we can afford at the moment and if my dad decides to help out then it will be an added bonus for us. I also think, because I’m the oldest daughter and the first wedding I don’t have anything else to measure it on either. It would be easier if say my sister had been married first and he gave her x amount so I could expect the same… alas that is not the case!

I suppose I’ll just move on with the planning and wait and see! I really just want to book the venue and photographer first (as they are the most difficult and book out early) then the rest can come later.

Thanks again!

Melrae xx

HI Melrae,

Congrats on your engagement, and happy wedding planning.

I am coming at this from the angle of a Parent!!

Our son recently became engaged and he casually sat at the kitchen bench and asked two questions-

“Had we considered contributing financially to the wedding?” and

If so," did we have an amount in mind?"

Your father and step-mother will have talked about contributing/or not contributing already.  They will have something in mind. They wont be surprised or caught off guard by your asking.  They are probably waiting for you to ask the question.

Be brave and ask- the worst case scenario is that they will not assist- So what? you are no worse off than now, except you will not be wondering any longer.

But go armed with a budget and rough costings for the ceremony, cars, reception flowers cake etc.  Remember you are talking to an accountant.

He may well ask “How do you see him assisting?”  Be prepared with an answer of various amounts they may like to contrubute.  For example – Option 1-paying for half the reception and 50% of the wedding dress (High budget).  Option 2- 50% of wedding dress, cermony and cake, Option 3- ceremony, cake and flowers or cars.

Be prepared, be brave and ask.  GOOD LUCK!!!

Carolyn04

This is really bad advice. You should plan your wedding to the budget (physical $ amount) that you have and not the other way around.

Once you know how much cash you have to spend then find a venue that fits into that budget etc.

As other posters have said it is no ones responsibility but the bride and grooms to pay for their own wedding.

Asking parents for money can put a lot of pressure on them especially since most parents do not want to disappoint their children.  If they want to contribute they will.

Melrae I am glad you had the maturity to heed the advice of Jojo and Mojito and not get all defensive and give a thousand reasons why your situation is so different.

hi melrae

one thing to remember too is that some parents who help out with money expect to be very involved with the planning and thats fine for some people but if you think he might go down that road then it may be better not take any money from him. so if u dont feel comfortable with asking for money (im exactly the same with my dad) then you probably will feel the same way if he decides he wants to have a say on what you use his money on. We paid for our wedding ourselves and it was the best thing we did.

My parents are contributing to my wedding, mostly because it’s tradition in our family. I don’t expect this from them as an obligation, they are contributing as a gift.

Luckily for me my future in laws also asked if there was anything they could help out with.

I am so thankful for their assistance and I am definitely going to extend the offer to my children in the future. 

My parents are contributing to our wedding; they have offered to pay for our honeymoon.  My father asked if we were comfortable with that, which I thought was really nice of him.

My fiance’s parents aren’t in the same financial situation that my parents are, so it would put undue pressure on them to contribute.  

When my fiance and I got engaged, we both assumed that it was our responsibility to pay for our day, and it was a lovely surprise when my father mentioned he and mum would like to contribute. 

My advice is to make your budget based on what you can afford, and then any contributions family are able to make can be icing on the cake.