Bothered brides

My parents in law & my parents are putting in the same amount of money (parents in law want to match my parents input), which is also the same amount that my fiancee & I are putting in.

We have almost (54 guests) reached our maximum limit (60 guests), which is all family (96% are immediate family), with one friend & their partner each for myself & my fiancee. We still have some extra guests that we might invite.

All of the save the dates have been sent one month ago and we are in the process of ordering the invitations.

We received a phone call from my fiancee’s mother wanting us to send invitations to all of her friends (that neither I nor the groom have ever met before) & family (from overseas but do not have the money to come to the wedding), totalling at 10 guests.

The invitations are costing $11 per invitation, and the venue is $106 per person (including food, alchohol). So that is (invitaion plus postage) $60.50 for the 5 invitations, plus $1060 if they all decide to go to the wedding. But of course, as per their words, as they are already putting their money into the wedding, they should not have to pay for this expense, we should.

We are just scraping by with our own bills just to afford this wedding, we do not have the extra money to waste on invitations to people that “won’t come” (but could come), and if they did choose to come? Where does the money appear from then?

And also, what about the guests that we would like to invite. Apparently we can get rid of un-needed people (ie my parents best friends that I’ve known since birth & that are stepping in for my uncles & aunties that weren’t invited (personal reasons)), to make room for my mother in law’s guests. (Which, I will add, that we are inviting the mother in law’s step daughter & her husband in accordance with them giving us the wedding money)

My idea was to send all people that are not invited (because we personally did not invite them) and people that we know will not attend, a notice of marriage card, sent the day before the wedding. To let people know that we had a great day & are sorry that they couldn’t be there to help celebrate (or other words). I have read that this is the proper etiquette for situations like this.

My fiancee & I share the same opinion and are standing our ground, we are supporting each other.

We have been extremely firm with this subject & have told them our idea, but if we do not send the proper invitations (ie the invitations that we are sending our wanted guests), they will not be giving us any more money (which has actually been promised to us). I do think that this is extremely unfair of them to put restrictions on us like this.

Especially considering that we wanted to go to a registry (with no one invited, just the witnesses) & then go on one’s months honeymoon overseas (paying everything ourselves). My parents in law have been pushing us to get married as soon as possible, with a big wedding to be a must. My parents didn’t really care, as long as we were happy.

Can I please get some advice.

you poor girl! i dont know if im not reading it right, but it almost seems quite simple.

your mother in law, if she wants more people, calculate the costs for each person, including favours, invites, etc and she can pay for it. You are doing the correct etiquette, and most people understand if they are not invited. Maybe your mother in law has been a bit naughty and has already said to her friends in the height of excitement that they are invited, without thinking this crisis might happen down the track. Also, if you and your man have never met these people, i can guarantee they will think it slightly odd if they are invited to your wedding. I was asked to go to a wedding without knowing anyone, nor the bride and groom, so i respectfully declined. Definitely stand your ground with your fiancee. How far along are the plans? is is too late to be wild and just do the registry and honeymoon?

I sympathise completely, having exactly the same problems with my MIL. Who wants everyone sent an invite straight away even though we have an A & B List and can’t seem to understand that our venue can only sit a 130 people so we can not invite 170 people because if they all say yes where are we going to seat them.

FH and I are paying for the wedding in full, as we decided that we wanted it to be about what was important to us.  I didn’t want to be held over a barrel when it come to deciding what our day was to be like.

It looks like it will be quiet turbullent run to the wedding which is now only 89 days away.

 My only suggestion is be completely honesty with her and explain that the big white wedding was not your idea, and it is not possible for these people to be added to the list and that the budget is already tight.  Stand your ground with out being rude but just tell her that she has had her day, this is about FH and you and the people invited are there because of what the people mean to you as individuals and as a couple.  Stay Strong and it is great that you and your FH are on the same page it makes it so much easier.

I don’t think its ever too late to elope.  But you’ve probably paid for most of the stuff already…

One important thing to remember is that it is YOUR day, not your mother in laws, so she can either be supportive and helpful or she can be left out of the celebrations all together.  That might seem harsh… you should talk it through with her first, if she seems unreasonable, get your husband or Father in law to talk to her, and if that still doesn’t work… then you can either suck it up or send her home.  Most likely by talking to her about it you will reach a compromise and it will all be ok.

Good luck!

wow! what a situation.

i think the most important thing to remember and bear in mind is that your other half is standing by you, agreeing with you and supporting your choice. You need to sit down with the inlaws and explain the situation clearly, even providing breakdowns of costs. Like other girls have said, this is YOUR day. It needs to be a celebration of your life together and you should be surrounded by people that are important to you, not people you’ve never met before.

stay firm, stand your ground! i think the inlaws will realise, with time that it’s your way and it’s YOUR big day!

That doesn’t sound too good.

We had similar problems with both our parents for our wedding coming up. We’re paying for it all and decided that our guest should outway our parents lists. I wanted a max of 50, but we got 58 so not too bad.

So we made a list of who we wanted. We then said each parent could invite 1 set of friends each. We drew the line at family we only see at family functions & those who didn’t actually know, or if they did, didn’t even congratulate us on getting engaged.

We stood firm when they didn’t like it but said it was our day. It’s about celebrating with those who are and will continue to be a part of everyday life. And besides on the day your parents will be too busy enjoying the day to think about the lead up.

I can empathise with you BexySexy1 as i can foresee a similar situation happening with my dads parents. They had all their friends at my parents wedding and my mum wasnt very impressed. I am just waiting for the day to come when they tell me all the extra people we ‘just have to’ invite.

Stand your ground. It is your day after all.