Bothered brides

I generally try not to publicly air my problems, but I’m not sure how to fix this one and could sure do with some help.

Backstory: My FH and I are not religious – I was bought up in a religious household however and my mum is. We decided that our ceremony had to reflect us and who we are and how we feel about each other (thats the point of it right?) and together with our celebrant we have come up with a ceremony we really love (I cry whenever I read it!). My mother really wants a religious ceremony – I have explained to her that neither of us feel comfortable with that, and I’d also feel wrong having one. The ceremony is in a chapel but with a civil celebrant. Just the other day when I was talking to her (she lives overseas) she told me we should have the guests singing hymns during the ceremony – I tried to explain that this wasn’t what we wanted, it wouldn’t work with our ceremony etc. but she went on and on and on and kept trying to guilt me into changing it (Saying how she feels so uninvolved with the wedding etc).

Its been a hard journey as my family do not live in Aus and whenever I try to talk to my mum about any wedding stuff she just appears uninterested, which was really painful to deal with but I just got on with stuff and kept writing to her and telling her what was happening, asking her opinion though I never got any responses (Tried to keep her involved as much as possible).

She is a musician and was going to compose a song to perform during our ceremony which I thought was amazing – something so personal and special. She has now told me that she doesn’t have time to do it (hence the hymn suggestion).

In terms of finance both my parents and FH parents have contributed about a quarter of the costs each – and we have discussed all details with all parents and accepted requests of invitees etc and really appreciate it – but does that contribution mean we have to change our ceremony to something we are very uncomfortable with just because she wants it?

We are just over two weeks out from the wedding now and stress levels are at an all time high, I feel like I’m rushing around trying to please all these other people (there are a few other stories but they are not about this issue) and the fact that it is our wedding is getting lost in the mix.

Any advice?

I think it is probably a really hard decision but if religion is not an important part of your FI and your life then I agree that it shouldn’t play a central role in your ceremony. And with two weeks left before your wedding it is probably past the mark of making such a major change. Can you compromise and find a nice not too-religious hymn that could be sung?

Some that come to mind are Raise me up, will your anchor hold, morning has broken and oh promise me. Or you could go with an instrumental version of a hymn so none of the lyrics will be heard?

That would be the only compromise I would suggest as anything else would just be meaningless (as in you and your FI do not believe so why do something you don’t believe in and it could be offensive to those who do believe <as in you could offend them by pretending to value those things when you do not>).

Or can you find a nice reading for your mum to do with a little bit of religious meaning (you know the vague kind like amazing grace).

Good luck and how exciting only 2 weeks to go!

I agree with j_jaye, there are some beautiful psalms, why not include a reading, that should please you mother, your mother could even do the reading. Readings don’t have to be religious, they can be poetry, song lyrics, excerpts from a book, tv show or movie. 

The interest thing I can relate to. My mum isn’t very interested in my wedding, only because it’s MY wedding. She doesn’t want to take any of it away from me. She’s more excited about grandkids. lol

What I think about is, if I’m going to look back in 20 years and regret something, I don’t want it anywhere near my wedding.